Cabinet of Clowns: Who’s who in the
Shadow Cabinet

Jeremy Corbyn has formed his shadow cabinet, and it’s as full of loons, fruitbats and nutters as we expected. The Marxist messiah was swept to victory last weekend after winning nearly 60 percent of the 550,000 votes cast.

In celebration of the Labour Party’s dramatic turn towards self-immolation, here’s the list of shadow cabinet appointments, along with a few friendly reminders of who they are and what they stand for – starting with JC himself.

Jeremy Corbyn (Leader of the Opposition)

The most ‘anti-establishment’ (read ‘egalitarian, green, pro-immigration, pro-big government’) Leader of the Opposition for a generation. Refuses to make “value judgements” on Brits joining ISIS. Thinks Osama bin Laden’s death was a “tragedy“. Counts Hamas, Hezbollah and the IRA as “friends“. Served as an election “monitor” for Hugo Chavez. Wants to scrap the monarchy and surrender the Falklands. Also a fan of segregation.

On the plus side, at least he’s not that keen on Britain’s EU membership – he voted to leave in 1975.

John McDonnell (Shadow Chancellor)

Worked for the National Union of Miners during the 70s. Ken Livingstone’s buddy on the Greater London Council in the 80s. Would like to go back in time and “assassinate Thatcher“. Jokes about lynching Tory cabinet ministers he doesn’t like. Thinks we should honour the “armed struggle” of Irish terrorists and that “the peace we have now is due to the action of the IRA”. Would nationalise RBS, the post office and the railways with “no compensation” for shareholders.

Diane Abbott (Shadow International Development Secretary)

Motor-mouthed racist who thinks “white people love playing divide and rule”. Thought it “baffling” that a jury ruled the police killing of black gangster Mark Duggan was lawful. Condemned private and grammar schools – then sent her own son to private school (“I had to choose between my reputation as a politician and my son”). Accused Tories of “harping on” about unnecessary NHS deaths. Called Rupert Murdoch “worse than Gadaffi“. Subsidised by licence-fee payers to the tune of £110,000.

Tom Watson (Deputy Leader)

Big, bullying, aggressive Brown-era heavyweight and the real power behind Corbyn’s red throne. Had a major role in bringing down Tony Blair. Once called for the position of deputy leader to be abolished. Fearless campaigner against News of the World phone hacking who turned a blind eye when the Mirror (for whom Watson has written in the past) did it. Spoke in front of that infamous gender-segregated audience and has since campaigned with its organisers. Claims Labour didn’t overspend under Blair and Brown.

Andy Burnham (Shadow Home Secretary)

The great enemy of NHS privatisation who, er, privatised bits of the NHS. As a candidate for the Labour leadership, said that “the Party always comes first” and was immediately and rightly slapped down by fellow contender Liz Kendall. Gave the best Labour response yet to Corbyn’s victory, simply tweeting “fuck“.

Chris Bryant (Shadow Leader of the House of Commons)

Famously taken down by musician James Blunt as a “classist gimp“. Called housing benefit changes “sociological cleansing”. Changed second home twice in order to claim £20,000 in expenses. Generally considered to be pants at online dating…

Hilary Benn (Shadow Foreign Secretary)

‘Red prince’ who inherited a political career from his father, left wing hero and renounced peer Tony Benn.

Lucy Powell (Shadow Education Secretary)

Ed Miliband’s former campaign manager. Responsible for the ‘Milibrand’ interview that fired up so many young people to go and vote Tory, and the ‘Ed stone’. Got in trouble for claiming promises “carved in stone” could be broken in government.

Angela Eagle (Shadow Business Secretary)

In 2008 she claimed any risk of recession was a “colourful and lurid fiction“. Also memorable for causing a minor PC earthquake after Prime Minister David Cameron memorably told her to “calm down, dear“.

Maria Eagle (Shadow Defence Secretary)

Not to be confused with Angela Eagle, her twin sister. Expect fireworks between Eagle and her boss as unlike Corbyn, Eagle supports the existence of the UK’s Trident nuclear deterrent.

Jon Trickett (Shadow Communities and Local Government Secretary)

Fully paid up member of the tin-foil-hat brigade. Lent his support to the dubious #Cameronmustgo campaign – started by a Labour activist who compared Tories to Nazis – and claimed that the mainstream media were “suppressing” it.

Lisa Nandy (Shadow Energy and Climate Change Secretary)

Claimed it was “outrageous” for the Prime Minister to employ a personal photographer using taxpayer money… whilst employing a personal photographer using taxpayer money. Has elevated hypocrisy almost to an art form. Also… boobs.

Kerry McCarthy (Environment, Food and Rural Affairs)

Vegan who opposes badger culls and “all shooting “sports”. Has overseen the transformation of Bristol into a nannying, intolerant, eco-friendly hippy commune. Got into hot water after leaking postal vote numbers on twitter.

Kate Green (Shadow Secretary of State for Women and Equalities)

The honourable member for the GMB union.

Gloria De Piero (Shadow Minister for Young People and Voter Registration)

Posed topless as a 15 year old to “improve her circumstances”. She seems to have succeeded. Naturally, she was less-than-happy when the pictures inevitably surfaced.

Seema Malhotra (Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury)

Apparently no one sent her the internal Labour memo about ending “the scandal of unpaid internships”.

Michael Dugher (Shadow Culture Secretary)

Dubious dealings as a lobbyist for data firm EDS.

Rosie Winterton (Opposition Chief Whip)

Claimed expenses for a “soundproofed bedroom” whilst she was John Prescott’s mistress. Not a pretty mental image. I feel unclean just writing it.

Luciana Berger (Shadow Minister for Health)

Apparently not the world’s best boss – having got through fifteen assistants in four years – the upwardly mobile Berger has also worked her way through a string of Labour lovers including Euan Blair, Siôn Simon and Chuka Ummuna.

John Healey (Shadow Minister for Housing and Planning)

As MP for Rotherham, opposed an inquiry into child sex abuse “especially if it focuses solely on Rotherham and on Asian men grooming white girls”. Once said “it can be the best thing in the world” to have your home repossessed.

Nia Griffith (Shadow Secretary of State for Wales)

Jonathan Ashworth (Shadow Minister without Portfolio)

Lord Bassam (Shadow Attorney General)

Baroness Smith (Shadow Leader of the House of Lords)

Lillian Greenwood (Shadow Secretary of State for Transport)

Owen Smith (Shadow Secretary of State for Work and Pensions)

Heidi Alexander (Shadow Health Secretary)

Lord Falconer (Shadow Justice Secretary)

Vernon Coaker (Shadow Northern Ireland Secretary)

Ian Murray (Shadow Secretary of State for Scotland)