Have Yourself a Merryless Little Christmas

The last person who was as intent on banning fun as today’s  left wingers was Oliver Cromwell. Whereas he thought it was a sin to celebrate Christmas by singing and eating too much and essentially made England into a giant naughty corner where civilians would sit and mull their unChristian actions, lefties fear Christmas may trigger no one in particular for no reason in particular and therefore let’s just call the whole thing off – or at least whine about it as much as possible.

Last year’s Starbucks Christmas cups which featured snowflakes and reindeers were deemed too Christmassy and this year feature absolutely nothing as to not offend non-Christians. Christmas jumper day has been criticised because raising money to help children in need of aid does not justify possibly offending someone. And – my personal favourite – ‘Baby it’s cold outside’ has been re-written, to suit a more feminist audience, because what’s Christmas without a few snowflakes?

The likes of Michael Bublé, Tom Jones and even the gay one from Glee are all now sexist – if not slightly rapey – pigs for singing the 1940’s classic. Of course, the rendition paints a more happier and joyful picture. They drink a non-stimulating beverage and plan to have their next date at The Cheesecake Factory – he knows how to treat a lady.

The list is not just exclusive to menial examples, there’s also some pretty big claims. Underrepresentation of women in US congress can be blamed on what Santa left children under their Christmas tree. Girls wanting dolls and boys wanting Lego has nothing to do with the basic natural instincts of girls wanting to nurture and boys wanting to build, and everything to do with the evil patriarchy obsessed with banishing women to the kitchen where they belong. At this rate Hillary Clinton probably would have won if only it was Mrs Claus that rode the sleigh. In fact, when children were asked if they could imagine Santa as a women, the fact they mainly said no somehow hit the headlines as something apparently significant. Their answers included fears that a ‘Mother Christmas’ might get lost on her way or might not be able to carry the sack of presents. This has been deemed particularly concerning when one considers the well known fact that women are really good at directions and much more physically stronger than men.

Christmas is time to lighten up, even the Grinch started to get into the spirit and the end of the movie. It’s a time to put on a horrible itchy jumper, eat way too much Christmas pudding (possibly made by a women, shock horror) and smile politely when you unwrap your fourth pair of bed socks.

My advice to anyone who’s fighting a battle every time Mariah Carey is played on the radio, Christmas is a time to spend with your family, so go visit your Grandad and ask him what a real war is like.