Lefty Remainiacs seek refuge in
independent nation with no NHS

When writing the lyrics to the Manic Street Preachers’ melancholic hit anthem Australia, following bandmate Richie Edwards’ disappearance in 1995, bassist Nicky Wire said he was thinking of the furthest place possible from his native Wales in order to escape the pain and shock of losing his best friend.

Australia thus became an almost mythical dreamland in Wire’s mind, somewhere a world away where everything was different and nothing mattered, not unlike the escapist bureaucrat Sam Lowry humming Aquarela do Brasil throughout Terry Gilliam’s 1985 dystopian satire, Brazil.

But Wire isn’t the only one periodically daydreaming about wanting to “fly and run ’til it hurts” in the Commonwealth; Australia also appears to have become the mental refuge of choice for swathes of disillusioned British lefties in the NHS and, since the EU referendum vote on Thursday, the Remain campaign.

Daily Mail Australia reports Google saw a massive spike in the search term “immigration to Australia” on Friday evening, as lefty Remainer snowflakes sought escape from the “stupid”, “racist”, and “xenophobic” country they were now so ashamed of. It echoes the thousands of NHS-worshipping junior doctors who reluctantly emigrate each year in search of better pay and conditions, many of whom end up in Australia.

There’s just one problem with all this; Australia is an independent nation which is not a member of the local politico-economic union, has extremely tight borders, a very selective immigration system, and – drumroll – no NHS. It is the most amusingly ridiculous irony that these lefty crybabies are literally dreaming about the very “nightmare” scenario they’re so desperate to escape.

But, perhaps I’m misjudging them, perhaps they’ve just tired of so consistently losing the debate here and want to make their irrational arguments elsewhere? Perhaps, upon arriving in Australia, they would like to start arguing their new home is actually an Asian rather than a Western country, based purely on its geographical location while ignoring its cultural and economic ties to the UK, and that it’s racist, xenophobic, and colonialist to think otherwise.

Perhaps after being accepted by the Australian points-based immigration system and enjoying the unique flora and fauna on the world’s largest island, they would like to start campaigning for open borders to allow unskilled workers to flood in by the million while putting the country’s incredibly delicate ecosystem at risk.

One wonders, too, whether after experiencing – or even being employed in -Australia’s insurance-based healthcare system, which offers its doctors higher pay, better conditions, and fewer working hours, they would agitate for a more socialist, government run, NHS-style system which would, like all nationalised industries, end up having to stringently ration personnel and resources while losing money hand over fist?

As they’re likely to have gotten over themselves by this time next week, I suppose one can only guess.